To Mom with all my love!

To Mom with all my love!

As Mother's Day approaches this weekend, I am overcome with emotions and thoughts that need to be expressed so to the blog I come.  Bear with me - this could run in so many different directions but I will try to stay focused.

I have lived a good life - I have been blessed beyond measure to have been born into the family that I was and by the grace of God I am in a position to give back a little.  Let me explain,  my mother married my  father right out of high school which ended in divorce and she soon  embarked on a life long journey of hard work with little education and three children to raise alone.  She worked hard - we did not go without.  She sacrificed so that we could have what we needed and she spent her entire life just raising us.  We moved from place to place and she tried to make each one a home.  About 33 years ago, together she and I bought her first house.  She succeeded in making that house a home with everything that she had in her.  It served its purpose - she continue to raise my brothers and me in it, watched after her grandchildren in it, and cared for many a cats in it.  Time has not been good to the neighborhood or the home and it became obvious that she would have to leave.

This Mothers Day will find her in her new home - ours.  You see, this weekend she will be moving in.  For the first time in her adult life, she will not have to worry about something breaking, having enough money to fix it, or dealing with loneliness and spending holidays alone.  While life will not be perfect for her, it will be much better than she has ever had.

Mom - thank you for staying the course and raising me! I can't change that Jesse and Robert are not here but I can promise that I won't leave (unless the Lord calls me home).  Thank you for loving me and giving me the chance to give back just a little of what you gave.  A new chapter starts this Mothers Day! 

Welcome Home!  I love you!

A sword will pierce your very soul.

As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul.”  Luke 2:35 

After several weeks of practicing in the role of Mary (mother of Jesus) for our Easter drama at church - The Mothers of the Cross - I am convinced that God was chiseling me throughout.   In the beginning, I worried that I could not portray well her as she searched for her son, watched in horror as he was beaten, cried till there were no more tears, the reality that her son was going to die and in the cruelest way possible, the humility and desperation that took her breath away.   But gradually my worries gave away to fear of disappointing the director (a lovely lady who penned the story late one night); fear of this not being believable to those watch; fear that I would be forever changed. As I went deeper into the character - questions flooded my mind.  How did she live through that?  At what point was she able to process what had happened?  Truly a sword pierced her soul just like it Simeon had said it would.

Each time we practiced together or as I did alone and the new questions and thoughts flooded my mind and the tears flowed freely.  The pain was tremendous and I was only playing a part....I can't explain it but it was  without a doubt the most difficult scene in my life.

Did I just say that?  The most difficult experience of my life???  Really??  I am no stranger to difficulties - growing up without a dad; poor; numerous bad decisions that led to relationships that I show not have been in; a broken marriage; Darryl's illness; Darryl's job loss;  loss of loved ones; watching ambulance pull out of the driveway; 7 hospitals stays in less than a year; etc, etc, etc.

Yes it was the most difficult experience of my life and yet it was the most profound one as well.  You see God was working on me throughout the entire process - tearing down walls that I had put up to prevent myself from getting hurt any longer.  You see there was NO WAY that I could portray Mary in that heart wrenching moment if I had the walls up protecting me from the pain. 

Last Sunday night at Wilton Baptist Church in front of a packed crowd - the pain was real, the tears were real, the desperation was real, the soul piercing was real and for the first time in my life I truly understood pain.

Now my pain was a direct result of my choices, my sins, my human faults  but Jesus' pain was simply because He loved me (and you) enough to die for us.  Plain and simple - horrible conditions and excruciating  to watch - He loved us enough to be the sacrifice to atone for our sins...

He suffered, bled, and died.... but three days later HE ROSE!  Thank you Jesus for your love for me and for your willingness to die and rise again for me!

I am forever changed!

For those that might be interested in watching....here is the link to the video.  The Mothers of the Cross

 

 

God is good all the time.... even when it hurts!

The older I get the more I realize how short our time is here.  Now I am not saying anything that anyone else has not said before but WOW - life truly is but a vapor!  Death hurts, mourning hurts, illnesses hurt, injustice hurts but God is GOOD all the time.

Today, my uncle stepped his final step into glory.  His battle over the last few months has been a hard one and I am thankful for a merciful God who made his transition a peaceful one.  I can only imagine the joy that he felt when he was restored to healthy and made his way to see our Lord and then his wife, and his mother and dad....Oh the tears of joy he must be experiencing is almost beyond my comprehension.

It is those who are left behind that most now deal with the overwhelming what-if, the empty chair at holiday dinners, the memories, the pain of losing someone you love.  Our family has not experienced death much as we don't really have a large family so we don't have a lot of practice letting go of those we cherish.

My heart is breaking for his son and wife who will now have to deal with the reality of not getting here in time and being able to say physically say goodbye.  For my aunt who has been his caretaker and overseer for last few months, tears flow freely.

My heart is breaking for my mother( the oldest of the three) is an amazing woman - She has watched as her dad and mom were buried and now will stay strong for her brother to take his place by them.  No one has prayed for my uncle more these last few months than my mom.  She is grieving in all kinds of ways - two sons that she has not seen in years (and may never see again) and a lifestyle change of leaving her home of 30+ years is right around the corner.

And for the rest of us - holding on to our memories and realizing that life is but a vapor - live love and laugh.  But most of all, if you believe in Jesus Christ and accept him as our your Lord and savior - you too can rest in the knowledge that God is good all the time and one day you will be reunited with your loved ones who believed the same thing!

This is perhaps the last photo taken of him....this was good day! Rest in peace Uncle Nathan - we love you and we miss you but we will see you again soon!

10 things I learned and/or lived in 2013

What I learned in 2013....

1.       I am in control of NOTHING.

2.       I am a better person when I am broken.

3.       Pruning hurts.

4.       Choosing to believe makes things bearable.

5.       Life does not get easier when the kids are grown.

6.       God is a magnificent artist.

7.       I have too much stuff.

8.       Life can change in a second - take nothing for granted.

9.       Love is not earned.

10.   God is not through with me yet or else I would be home.

 

I Choose to BELIEVE

I  choose to believe.

 

When the weather forecast is bleak and the rain continues and it threatens our plans - I choose to believe it will stop.

When the hospital stays continue and become somewhat a normalcy in our household - I choose to believe that healing will come one day.

When I have cried so much that a river could form - I choose to believe that You will hold all my tears for safe keeping.

When a mother cries for her wayward child to come home - I choose believe that he/she will.

When a loved one is struggling to regain control of his/her life as they age - I choose to believe that they will find comfort and strength.

When all hope appears to be lost - I choose to believe that better days are coming.

 

Is it easy to choose to believe?  No - No - NO.  Satan loves to attack my mind when circumstances down here are bad; when I am so tired that I cant see or think; when I have no words left to pray; when I feel alone among family and friends.  I force myself to choose to believe!

I believe that Jesus Christ came to earth as a child - born of a virgin - in a manger some 2000 years ago.  I believe that he died a cruel death on a cross and it was ugly, disgusting and it was all for us.  I believe that Jesus carried the weight of all my sin that day and I believe that He rose from the dead to give me eternal life with Him. I believe that He loves me unconditionally and more than anyone else ever could.  I believe that He ascended into heaven and my mansion will be ready when my time comes.

 

But mostly importantly - I choose to believe that he is coming again - one day to get me!  And from that day forward - no pain, no tears, no heartache, no illnesses, no famine,   So until that time - stay away from me Satan - you have tried and tried - you can't steal my joy nor my soul.  I am a child of the one TRUE God in whom I place all my beliefs.

Where is God?

Where is God?




All this tragedy in the world today – one could easily lose their minds with worry over all that has gone on it just 2013 alone – rising prices, government shutdown, obamacare, death of loved ones , illnesses, loneliness, dementia, accidents, job loss, wars and rumors of wars, feeling of pending doom around every corner….So where is God?

He is….

• Painting the beautiful sunrises and sunsets we have seen lately

• Showing us abundant vivid rainbows in the last few weeks

• The sparkling twinkle in a friends eyes after several months of no contact

• The phone call from a friend when you need it most

• The love of a dog that reminds us it is conditional

• A hug and a tear that makes compassion more than an emotion

• Sleepless nights filled with prayer and scriptures

• Still in the miracle business after an accident

• Blessing planning meetings with laughter and fellowship

• The potter that never tires of the clay – no matter how broken or worn it is

• Collecting every tear I cried

• With me always even to the ends of the earth

Thank you Lord for making your presence known even in the unstable times!

If I could save time in a bottle....

Anyone remember that song by Jim Croce - If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is save everyday till eternity passes to spend them with you.....Well if I could save time in a bottle - I would save this past Sunday - Mothers Day 2013.

What a gorgeous day the Lord gave us - the weather was fabulous - sunny and warm with a breeze.  Both my children were in church with me along with Mom and Darryl - that in itself was so much more than I deserved.  After coming out of the worst week ever, I cannot put into words the emotional comfort I received this Mothers Day.

For a few hours - all the world was good, there was nothing worrying me, there was no pain, there was no panic in my stomach, there was simply joy - Joy that I was able to worship with my family, Joy that I still have my precious mother, Joy that both my kids were home, Joy that Ashley found the love of her life, Joy that we have a place to call home, Joy that we laughed and cried, Joy that Darryl felt well enough to sit with us at the table for a dinner, Joy that comes in the morning as the Lord promises.....

If I could save time in a bottle - moments like this is what I would save.  They are few these days but when they come - they arrive in grand fashion and this Mom is so grateful for the few hours that she was allowed to be normal!

As quickly as the the moments came,  they left and life returned to normal....but there is coming a day when the wonder of this day will be insignificant in milestones when we are all in heaven together!

For now though - it is moments like this that I thank the Lord for renewed hope, strength, and courage to face what lies ahead!  Thank you Lord for blessing me so!