I am scared to even think this most days but feel that if I can just write it all down, perhaps I will be able to say "OK Lord - I am ready to do what you want me to do even if it is NOT what I want.
Levi - precious Levi - 20 months old and the funniest, silliest, lovable English bulldog I know. Don't get me wrong - Annabelle is a sweetheart and Lil Ben is 100% darling and Arthur (RIP) will always be #1 but Levi is uniquely special - long before we knew he was sick we laughed at his love for life - he would play for hours amusing himself and finally just give out with exhaustion into slumber land.
Levi is very high maintenance now - our lives revolve around making sure he has his meds on time, fluids, appetite supplements, watching for any signs of deterioration...refusing to board him to go away for a few days - listening to him breath and making him as comfortable as possible. The last two days have been rough on him - really rough - the seizures are visibly upsetting to us and confusing to him to say the least. We are left with feelings of helplessness and lots of tears.
Yet I cant but wonder in the midst of all of this what the Lord is preparing me for? Is this care giving for Levi just a prelude to what is coming in my life? We search for answers with Coach Burns - doctor after doctor after doctor...one specialist after the other...medications....rest....no answers...more medications...more test...no answers...
Lord are you preparing me to be a caregiver to my husband long term? To somehow stay strong and healthy myself to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually for him...Oh how I wish I could see into the future! Is Levi truly teaching me all the components required to be a long term care giver? If Levi's only purpose was to teach me how to truly care for others - he has succeeded! The daily love of our Lord shows in that precious little 65 lb ball boy happy to be with his dad and mom no matter how he feels.
Thank you Lord for showing me how to care for others and for using this little bulldog angel to do it. I know his time here is coming to an end and his work is almost finished. I can only pray that he will know that we loved him like he loved us!
Praying that one day - I will be able to say I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith just like Timothy said.
Lord - whatever you are preparing me for - I will do my best not to fail you! Taking each step - one at a time - seeking your guidance and your comfort along the way and continually giving you the glory forever.